Control and trust are 2 areas that block intimacy in our lives.
Because trust has been damaged - sometimes by overt or covert abuse - we make every attempt to control our environment and the people in it.
So we won't ever have to feel frightened, powerless or hopeless again. Fear of loss of control, whether it be over emotions, thoughts, feelings, will, actions, or relationships is pervasive.
Repeatedly told to ignore the obvious, deny our own feelings, and distrust the accuracy of our own perceptions, we eventually begin to distrust not only other people but our own feelings and senses as well.
Father is passed out on the couch, mom's face is buried in a bowl of soup yet nothing is wrong.
Some of us were taught very early that it is necessary to hide our feelings. We become experts at mastering the art of repressing, denying, or minimizing them. Often the child is told explicitly, "Don't you dare say that to me; don't even think it!" or "Don't upset your mother. You have to be more understanding."
After years of practice, we may equate acknowledging emotional needs with being vulnerable or even weak. Feeling vulnerable is equated with being out of control—a state of being which we find intolerable.
Today let's play a game. A "what if" game. If you could be feeling anything you want, and feeling that way wouldn't make you a bad person, what would you be feeling? Write about it and share here.
Kim Halsey is a human resource professional and executive coach who helps people overcome life damaging habits, restore important relationships, and live their dreams without drama.
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